November 10, 2011

Feelings are stupid

I'm terrible at expressing emotion.

Love, affection, tenderness—I am capable of showing these in short bursts, but when sustained, I lose steam. I get uncertain if I'm showing too much emotion, I second-guess my feelings, and I end up saying something like, "u ain't that important to me anyway lol." Coming off as a callous buttmunch is better than being seen as weak, vulnerable, or gullible. Honestly, I'd pretend not to give two shits but inside, I'd secretly be bursting at the seams.
Love is bullshit. Emotion is bullshit. I am a rock. A jerk. I'm an uncaring asshole and proud of it. —Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Something that particularly gives me the heebie-jeebies is saying I love you. I find it hard to speak those three simple words without feeling like a complete loser.
For me, there are only two ways I can say I love you:
  1. carelessly, without meaning—making me a phony. 
  2. meaning it with every fiber of my being—making me a sentimental arse.
The weird thing is, when I'm over that self-conscious phase, I become extremely emotional to the point that I'm overly, pathetically clingy and needy. My attitude towards emotions reaches both ends of the spectrum.
Why am I so screwy? :(


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