Boracay trip photodump

The semester has just started yet I already incurred a week's worth of absences. On the last week of November, I flew to Boracay with my mom, aunts, and cousin thanks to a seat sale four months ago by AirPhil Express.

Apologies for the lazy post you're about to read, but I've been crazy busy and I just want to get this out of the way. See my mom's blog for better posts about the trip!

Anyway, photos!

NAIA

The view from my window seat on the plane. Clouds! <3

The plane ride was from Manila to Kalibo, Aklan. My mom and I had an earlier flight schedule than the others, so the two of us stayed in Kalibo for a couple of days while waiting for them.

Kalibo Cathedral

Inside Museo it Akean

On our first day in Boracay, I dragged my mother to Hama, a Japanese cuisine restaurant in D'Mall.

NOMNOMZ: ebi tempura, California maki, tuna sashimi. I could barely move after eating so much.

Wow, I have curves in this photo

We stayed at Madid's Inn.

More Boracay photodumps to follow!

Mixtape: I'll Be Yours

Are you, like me, afraid of your feelings? Wish you could tell someone something without really telling them?  You can finally stop having awkward, emotional conversations. The answer lies in music.
Why articulate how you feel about someone when you can make them listen to songs and have them figure out what you can't say? It's fun, sweet, and you don't lose face!

Ideally, any mixtape I'd give would come with a lyric book and a handmade cover, but since cassette tapes are obsolete these days, I'm doing this digitally.
Here goes:

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Mixtape:
I'll Be Yours

• The Cure - Mint Car
"The sun is up, I'm so happy I could scream and there's nowhere else in the world I'd rather be than here with you. It's perfect, it's all I ever wanted, I almost can't believe that it's for real."



• Best Coast - This Is Real
"I know that we were meant to be, coz all this time you've been chasing after me [...] I know that we'll fight in the middle of the night, come to me and we'll talk it out. We won't scream and we won't shout, because you love me and I know that this is real."


• Ingrid Michaelson - The Way I Am
"I love the way you say good morning/call me baby"



• Ingrid Michaelson - You and I
"Don't you worry there, my honey. We might not have any money, but we've got our love to pay the bills [...] You might be a bit confused, and you might be a little bit bruised, but baby, how we spoon like no one else. So I will help you read those books if you will soothe my worried looks, and we will put the lonesome on the shelf."



• The Cure - Halo
"I never felt like this with anyone before. You only have to smile and I'm dizzy."




• Urbandub - Come
"Your eyes burn with passion and you hypnotize me."



• Urbandub - Cebuana
"Speak to me once more, your words are a comfort. Discovered again that love could come a second time."

My including this in a mixtape indicates how supremely awesome the recipient is for me to risk ruining one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands.

• Those Dancing Days - I'll Be Yours
"Capture me in your arms, wrap your soul around me. Never felt so free, please stay close to me."



Honorable mention: Tony Bennett's The Way You Look Tonight. It doesn't go with these tracks at all, but it holds dear memories.

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(For someone who understands that I say pakyu affectionately.)

Photo source: http://weheartit.com/entry/6941516

Things that have made me cry (or almost cry) recently

• lonely bus rides on my way home
• the lovely, haunting piano cover of Urbandub's Cebuana
• a poem
• the explanation behind said poem
• an emotional fight fueled by beer, vodka, and tits
• feeling fat and ugly and stupid and inadequate in every way
• missing some friends
• rereading Jonathan Tropper's This is Where I Leave You
• the thought of how much schoolwork I'll miss this week
• feeling unloved
• realizing that I am, in fact, loved very much

Photo source: http://fuckyeahemotionallyvolatilebear.tumblr.com/

Feelings are stupid

I'm terrible at expressing emotion.

Love, affection, tenderness—I am capable of showing these in short bursts, but when sustained, I lose steam. I get uncertain if I'm showing too much emotion, I second-guess my feelings, and I end up saying something like, "u ain't that important to me anyway lol." Coming off as a callous buttmunch is better than being seen as weak, vulnerable, or gullible. Honestly, I'd pretend not to give two shits but inside, I'd secretly be bursting at the seams.

Love is bullshit. Emotion is bullshit. I am a rock. A jerk. I'm an uncaring asshole and proud of it. —Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Something that particularly gives me the heebie-jeebies is saying I love you. I find it hard to speak those three simple words without feeling like a complete loser.
For me, there are only two ways I can say I love you:

1. carelessly, without meaning—making me a phony. 
2. meaning it with every fiber of my being—making me a sentimental arse.

The weird thing is, when I'm over that self-conscious phase, I become extremely emotional to the point that I'm overly, pathetically clingy and needy. My attitude towards emotions reaches both ends of the spectrum.

Why am I so screwy? :(

Photo source: http://weheartit.com/entry/11715325

I'm scared of the future, but really, who isn't?

You know how I've told everyone that I'll be studying to become an attorney after college?
Yeah, I'm not so sure about that now.

I'm three semesters away from getting a degree in Behavioral Science. According to the plans I made years ago, after getting a degree, I should go straight to law school, pass the bar exam, become an attorney, and get a job that pays well so I can support my family. But now, I'm having doubts.

Ask me why I want to be a lawyer, and most probably the answer would be "because I want to follow my mom's footsteps," "because the money's good," or "I'll never be out of a job if I'm a lawyer." My mom always says that I need to have passion and discipline to survive law school, and I'm pretty sure I don't have either.

The thing is, I honestly don't know what I'd do if I wasn't a lawyer. I really, really don't want to work in a call center forever. I love to write, but couldn't see myself making a living off of that. I have no talent, no direction, no anything.
I'm also scared shitless of making a mistake that could cost me a good future. I want a job that would provide a good life for me and my family. I want my mom to retire comfortably with the knowledge that I would be financially able to take care of her. I want to be able to send my future children to the best schools.

I have told everyone—and I mean everyone—about my plans to study law. Maybe I was trying to convince myself.
Anyway, I'm thinking, if I don't take up law right after graduation, I'd get a job and hopefully use the time to figure out what I really want. I'm terrified of a future where I don't truly enjoy what I do.

Right now, I'm furious at myself.

I want to kick my fourteen-year-old self's ass for not having any ambition or goals, and so chose to be a lawyer so her mom would be proud.

I want to kick my sixteen-year-old self's ass for being flippant over what course to take. "Oooh, I like Criminal Minds, so I'm going to study Behavioral Science!" I should have taken Journalism.

I want to kick my seventeen-year-old self's ass for not thinking over why I wanted to take up law. "Because Attorney Kaimo sounds cool" is not a valid reason. Neither is "because the salary is good".

I want to kick my eighteen-year-old self's ass for thinking that salary was the most important thing to consider when picking a career path.

When I think about it, it's sort of liberating. It gives me a sense of freedom to think that I don't know where I'm going. It also gives me a sense of control: before, I used to feel trapped in a future I wasn't sure I wanted. Now at least I can see for myself what I do want.

Keeping fingers crossed.

Photo source: http://weheartit.com/entry/1039326